Seasonal Fandom

Doctor Who Royal Rumble: Part 1


If the Doctors had a fight, who would win?

I’m not talking about which Doctor is your favorite. I’m asking: If they had to be up against one another in a professional wrestling match, all at the same time, who would win?

For those who are not aware of the basic rules of a Royal Rumble, which is a battle royal, we’ll use the reliably unreliable requirements from the WWE Royal Rumble, which is taking place January 28, 2018 on the WWE Network.

If you’re still confused on what a Royal Rumble looks like, check out this video. Now, WWE doesn’t let men and women wrestle against each other (in fact, this year marks their first women’s Royal Rumble, as well as regular mixed matches that are only going to be shown on Facebook) So, we have a choice. Automatically crown the Thirteenth Doctor as the women’s champion, like the queen she is… or grow up and put her in this fictitious ring. I’m going to go with the latter.

For simplicity sake, we’re going to go ahead and say that the Doctors have to enter the ring in regeneration order. They enter the ring approximately two to five minutes apart. (In reality, contestants enter whenever the writers of the match feel like it makes for an interesting event. )

Round 1:

It’s a safe bet that the Second Doctor can immediately get the First Doctor over the ropes and out. In fact, the First Doctor, known for tiring easily, always needing to take a rest or full stop needing medical attention is in more danger just from participating. To make things more competitive, let’s have the Second the Third Doctor enter together.  They eliminate the first Doctor together, for a brief glimmer of team work, and then *BAM* match is on.

For anyone crying out, “But the First Doctor is full of spunk! What if he got the Third or the Second Doctor to work with him?” Just, no… we’re talking about physical prowess. If anything, the Second and Third Doctor would be worried about breaking the First Doctor, causing their future selves to no longer exist or creating a paradox by too early a regeneration. They’re getting him out of the way.

Round 2:

Two vs Three

The reality is, there are no “rounds” to a battle royal. It’s just whenever the next wrestler enters. You can even say, “No. 10 Daniel Bryan” to show what order they came into the match. However, our Doctor’s are already numbered, and that’s the order at which they are entering, as well For the sake of tracking this match, each elimination will result in a new round. That way the impatient readers will know where to just skip to the bottom so they can yell at their screens about the results; cursing that I’m just as bad, or perhaps even worse, than Vince McMahon.

With the elimination of the First Doctor, the Third Doctor should take the Second out quickly. After all, he knows Venusian Aikido. However, there is this one pesky little thing the Second Doctor is good at:

That’s right. Like The Miz forced to finally wrestle Roman Reigns, you can count on the Second Doctor fleeing the scene just long enough to not be disqualified. That will keep him in it long enough to see the entrance of the Fourth Doctor. It’s also where things get a little dicey.

You see, Four has that long scarf that he could whip around like Bianca Belair does with her hair. He has plenty of experience, such as that time he was in hand to hand combat in the Matrix swamp during The Deadly Assassin. You could even think about when Simon Gotch dressed as the Fourth Doctor on NXT! There is no doubt, in my mind, as soon as the Fourth Doctor hits that ring that Two and Three would be teaming back up again to take out the bigger threat.

Of course, Three will be doing most of the heavy lifting. He would do most of the fighting. The Second Doctor might get some sneaky trips in there, causing Four to plant on his face, followed by a kick to his back. Still, the Third Doctor would be doing all the damage. His ego would charge him up. His charisma would work the crowd. His adrenaline would be pumping and right as he’s about to finish the Fourth Doctor off… in walks the Fifth and Sixth Doctors.

Momentarily distracted, the Second and Third Doctor look up, should to shoulder, aghast that two already being sent into the ring… together! It’s in those few precious seconds the Fourth Doctor is able to double close-line two and three sending them over the ropes and out of the picture.

Round 3:

The Fourth Doctor vs the Fifth Doctor vs the Sixth Doctor

There really isn’t much of a contest here. Sure, the Fifth Doctor would be a high flyer. He would have flair and grace. The Fifth Doctor is the Aiden English of the bunch. Strength and fun, but unfortunately just can’t get it done.

The Sixth Doctor has more bulk to him, that he likes to throw around. Sure, call him Rusev. However, instead of “Rusev Day,” it’s Doctor Day!

Despite Six being bristled and hard, and Five being younger and weaker, the two are so much more fascinating as they work together, to take down Four. Where Second and Third left off, their pair takes back up.

After a hard punch, the Fourth Doctor is knocked to the floor. The Fifth Doctor is able to get in a leg drop just before the Sixth Doctor rolls up Fourth into a camel clutch. You think it’s all over for Four, that at some point Six will decide he’s worn Four out enough and throw him over the ropes when *WHAM!* Out of no where Seven shows up on the scene, as if he appeared from thin air.

The Seventh Doctor, though shorter, is able to surprise Five, pulling him backward over the top rope. Let’s face it, a goofy magician like the Seventh Doctor might as well be Bray Wyatt. Dark, mysterious and sometimes just nonsensical… you forget that he exists but get excited when he makes an entrance.


Four, Six and now Seventh are left! What will happen next? Who do you think should go on to face the TV movie and modern Doctors? Take our poll, plus leave your thoughts in the comments!

View Poll